I am often asked why that when a couple starts a conversation about something that is really important to them it often just ends in another fight.

Improving your skills in this area will help your relationship mature in a healthy way keeping it strong and happy.

For a couple to reach decisions without unnecessary battles needs skill.

Here are 7 rules for couple problem solving that may be helpful for you to keep in mind for when you are trying to solve a problem that has come up between you and your partner:

1. Remind yourselves about why you are there. Take breaks as needed throughout the conversation as needed to keep your energy positive.
2. Focus on only one issue at a time. Agree on what the problem or issue is, so you are not trying to solve multiple problems at once or work at cross-purposes by trying to address different issues.
3. Avoid being attached to a particular outcome. Avoid stating something as absolute fact. There is really only a perspective: yours and the others.
4. Encourage and freely share thoughts, feelings, and opinions with love, respect, and kindness. Avoid criticism or domination of each other. Strive to be open to all expressions without taking offense.
5. Carefully monitor and modify your attitude and tone of voice. If underneath your words is criticism, disrespect, or sarcasm, your spouse will hear them, even when your words are positive.
6. Listen to each other carefully and without interruption and request clarification as needed.
7. Strive for shared agreement, even when it takes longer. At times you might need to agree to disagree or even to deferring to the other’s solution. Regardless still look at and carry out the decision as a jointly agreed. But do not defer just for the sake of getting consensus. It may be better to take a break and come back to it again.

And just as importantly review significant decisions after some time trying them out to assess whether they are working or whether you need to start the process over again. Stay aware for when you need to involve someone else, like a counsellor or mediator, in a discussion or decision to ensure the greatest success.

Decisions work best when you have equal voices in couple discussions. It is important for you both to express what is on your minds and in your hearts freely. Either withholding your opinion or dominating the other in the conversation may negatively affect the outcome.

If one of you tends to be more dominant in speaking, you will need to be even more attentive to give the other an opportunity to have their say. The quieter of you may also need to practice assertiveness. Free expression happens when you are both willing to listen to each other without interruption giving whatever time is necessary to ensure that both of you fully understand what the other is saying before saying what you want to say.

It is important to ensure the genuineness of your motives and intentions in any discussion. If either of you has a hidden agenda—an unspoken intention or goal, or you just want to manipulate the other, any decision you come up with will most likely not work. problem solving,couple problem solving,couple discussions,couple communication,conflict management

lidysblog at 6:21 pm on Monday, January 30, 2012

We all know when we are “in love” that our common sense seems to fail us as all we think about is the subject of our love and the delight there will be next time we meet. Even just thinking about them can result in that flurry in our stomachs as if they were with us in real life.

Why does this happen?

Well it can all be blamed on a little hormone that is produced in the pituitary gland called oxytocin. Sometimes oxytocin is referred to as the “love hormone” because it is when we are “in love” that oxytocin is most rapidly produced. It is also the hormone present in the body that marks the commencement of labour in a pregnant mother as well as being the active hormone that triggers the commencement of the flow of milk in the breastfeeding mum.

It is such a powerful hormone that for many mothers who are breastfeeding the experience can be akin to an orgasm and for some actually produces a real orgasm.

But back to the topic: It is when we are contemplating making love, or are actually making love, and are about to orgasm that we experience the full force of the delivery of oxytocin into our systems. And because it creates such a wonderful feeling in our bodies, as well as in our minds, the desire for oxytocin can become addictive.

So here’s how so often the story goes. You meet someone; you feel an attraction and want to spend time with that person. As you become more and more aroused oxytocin is released into your body and your want to be sexual with that person increases until it finds release some way.

Then as time goes by, and you are now in a full time relationship, the attraction begins to wane somewhat as once a conquest has been made it no longer holds quite the same desirability. This is simply because it is no longer new and exciting as it was in the beginning.

This is especially so when you have known each other for some time and your availability to each other is no longer constrained. You are now able to spend more and more time together which also takes away the emergency of being sexual whenever you are given an opportunity.

So for those with an oxytocin addiction it may be that this relationship can no longer hold your interest and rather than going on to discover what else this relationship has for you the temptation is to let this go and find another person to fall in love with. Sometimes you can even convince yourself that this relationship wasn’t right for you anyway as you continue to seek your one and only “soul mate”.

And now even more than in past decades this seems to be happening. And not just in western countries and cultures but it many Asian and Middle Eastern Countries as well.

Maybe it is that we are all seeking a quick thrill as we want more and more “buzz” from our lives and once we’ve achieved that we want to move on to the next new and exciting thing there is to experience.

So what is there to learn from this?

Maybe it is as simple as this. That when the oxytocin production settles down and you find yourself facing “forever” then it’s time to look a little deeper for what might sustain the relationship for the long haul. Simply put that is real love not a selfishly sought after high for the moment but something that is based on a deep seated care and commitment of one to another.

This is certainly not to say that there is now no room for romance and great sex. What this does mean is that you need to focus on creating the opportunities for great sex while ensuring you add lots of romance to your relationship.

Don’t be lazy and don’t be content with just making do as you get busy with life. Keep the fun alive, flirt with each other; make time for play and to explore your sexuality to ensure that the oxytocin keeps flowing.

So until next time – Relate with Love

I loved receiving this question as it’s something that we may expect that we all understand but in truth maybe we actually don’t.

So I started my research into answering this question by scrambling to the Macquarie Dictionary which defines marriage as “the legal union of a man and a woman for life including a legal or religious ceremony.”

This definition really doesn’t give us very much at all as marriage today in so many cultures, legally and through the various churches, is open to being dissolved on the wish of one or other of the parties. In most countries these divorces are even permitted without even having to prove that one party is in some way more at fault than the other.

So I thought that I should proceed in this article to discuss my thoughts on what marriage is and would welcome you to add your thoughts on the topic as well.

While marriage may relate to a legal process for me marriage is more about the commitment two people make to be there for each other come what may. I would also expand on the dictionary definition to include not just the communion of a man to a woman but also of either a man or a woman to another man or woman.  In my view they are as much a marriage as any marriage could be.

The sad thing here is that too many people enter into a marriage without really knowing what they are getting themselves into or without going through any preparation to ensure that their marriage will go the distance.

When I work with couples contemplating marriage the first thing I get them to consider and discuss with each other is this very question: what is marriage to each of them? How do they define it and are they ok with how their partner defines it or does it need some tweaking to make it something that both of the couple can live with.

As most of you might know I am in a relationship and have been for more than 20 years. My partner and I are not married nevertheless I describe him as my husband and wear his ring. He also describes me as his wife. It actually took us some time to acknowledge each other in this way as we were assessing our future together especially as I had four young children already as part of the package.

One of the first things we discussed in terms of our marriage was about whether we would live together and where that would be. We then had many conversations about how we would manage my children and whether we would have any more children. We then had to decide on the division of responsibilities both in terms of household chores and financial contributions. Finally we had some conversations about ownership of property and what would happen in the event that either of us predeceased the other.

And while this was not an issue for us as we are both of the same religious beliefs, for many couples there is also the question of what their particular religious beliefs are and how they might impact on their relationship and/or to any children of the relationship.

So while some of these issues are still conversations in progress for my partner and myself, the underlying promise is that we will be there exclusively for each other for the rest of our lives. In this we committed to never walk out on the other and to always raise it whenever we had an issue that affected us both and/or our future together.

This is how I define my marriage for me. It is a safe place to collapse into at the end of each busy day where I can feel safe and not be judged negatively no matter what I do or think. It is a place where I feel loved unconditionally and love in the same way.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Written by Lidy Seysner www.acouplesjourney.com.au

Who is Lidy Seysner?  Lidy is based in Sydney and has worked within marriage and relationship counselling for many years…

Graduating from Macquarie University in 1986 with a BA in Psychology and in 1988 with a Certificate in Counselling and Psychotherapy from Sydney University, Lidy uses her many skills to work with individuals, couples and families in assisting them to deal with the crises that invariably present themselves as part of modern life.

Lidy is also a Clinical Hypnotherapist and an NLP and Time Line Therapy Master Practitioner and uses these skills extensively in her practice.

More recently in 2004 Lidy qualified, with a Graduate Diploma in Family Dispute Resolution, and practices Family Law Mediation assisting parents and children through their separation and divorce proceedings. And a further qualification in working with children allows Lidy to include children in her mediation work.

As a result of Lidy’s extensive qualifications her work is now dedicated principally to working with individuals, couples and families who are working through separation issues.

And with membership to a number of associations including ACA and ASCH you can be assured that she conducts herself in a professional manner at all times.

Lidy’s more recent accomplishments has now taken her business onto the internet through her site at www.acouplesjourney.com which is totally dedicated to couples about to marry or who are already married seeking very specific advice.

Warning, warning from your Gold Coast Marriage Celebrant, start thinking about your ceremony music!  Your venue (or in my case, me!) will want to know which songs you would like included in your Ceremony.

The first being your “Processional” song – when the Bridal Party enters your venue.

The second being for when you are “Signing” the necessary documents – I always ask for eight minutes worth of music (or two songs) because, as well as everyone signing, witnessing, etc, this is when your photographer will want many photo’s of the deed…….

And lastly, your “Recessional” music – a piece of music to send you out into the crowds for hugs & kisses…..

All these songs should be different to your choice for the “Bridal Waltz” – so put your thinking caps on early so you will know exactly which songs/music you would like!

]]> http://celebrantgoldcoastqueensland.com.au/celebrant-gold-coast/ceremony-music/feed/ 0 http://celebrantgoldcoastqueensland.com.au/celebrant-gold-coast/amazing-de-stress-meditation/ http://celebrantgoldcoastqueensland.com.au/celebrant-gold-coast/amazing-de-stress-meditation/#comments Tue, 20 Dec 2011 04:40:01 +0000 Sheridan Bryant http://celebrantgoldcoastqueensland.com.au/?p=744 As a Gold Coast Marriage Celebrant who has seen many a Bride go into “stress overload” in the weeks prior to her wedding – take heed, in this case the heading says it all, what an amazing relaxation mediation, it guides you through the steps and actually teaches you how to feel totally relaxed! Felt totally stress free after listening to it!  Worth every single penny ( http://ministryofspirit.com.au/meditation/ ) click between the brackets for link to Ministry of Spirit – interesting site!

Just purchased the “Healing Crystal” meditation, what a wonderful experience – highly recommend both!

Spencer Durham has released a “sand ceremony song” which can be played during the pouring, it is attached for you with my pleasure – enjoy and use!

(Click right ( Sand Ceremony Song by Spencer Durham Solo Wedding ) ______________________________________________________

As an experienced Gold Coast Marriage Celebrant, I would like to share one of my favourite and unique wedding bouquet ideas – the important and special people in the Bride and Groom’s life, each present the bride with a single flower – of the Bride’s choice and expense, naturally – as she walks down the aisle so she can offer a kiss, or a word, and, by the time she reaches her groom, she has a beautiful bouquet which her Maid or Matron of Honour, or another nominated person, then ties in a ribbon whilst she is still holding them………………..  It becomes a very special time for all involved……

As an Gold Coast Marriage Celebrant specialising in many Unity Rituals, I have had the great pleasure to have co-ordinated many Hand Binding Ceremonies.  As there appears to be a little confusion with this rather beautiful Unity Ceremony, I thought I would share these simple and meaningful Unity Hand Binding Ceremony Vows with you – it entails six knots tied by your honoured nominated person/persons, your Marriage Celebrant does most of the talking, which many couples think is great…………. (well, hello!)  - your chosen Marriage Celebrant would introduce, open and close these vows with her own wording and explanation to your gathered family and friends -

Celebrant – “B&G, are these the hands of your best friend, young and strong and full of love, holding yours on your wedding day, as you promise to love each other – today, tomorrow and always?”

B&G           “They are”                  (1^st knot is tied)

Celebrant – “B&G, are these are the hands that will work alongside yours, giving and receiving, as together you build your future.  If the path becomes difficult, will these hands unite together to accomplish more than you could alone? ”

B&G           “They will”                  (2^nd knot is tied)

Celebrant – “B&G, are these are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief fills your mind, and will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes – tears of sorrow and tears of joy.  Will these hands comfort you when you cry and protect you like no other?”

B&G           “They will”                  (3^rd knot)

Celebrant – “B&G, are these are the hands that will provide support and encouragement to chase your dreams, as you grow as an individual and as a partnership. Will these hands provide strength when you are struggling and catch you when you fall?”

B&G “They will”                  (4^th knot)

Celebrant – “B&G, are these are the hands that will care for you and tenderly hold your children, with the promise to nurture and cherish through all the years. Will these hands bond together to help you hold your family as one?”

B&G “They will”                  (5^th knot)

Celebrant – “And lastly, B&G, are these are the hands, that even when wrinkled and aged, will still be reaching for yours, will still be giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch.  Will you each take these hands and hold them whilst you walk your life together – today, tomorrow and always?”

B&G “We will”                    (6^th and final knot is tied)

BLESSINGS AND GOOD LUCK!

Gold Coast Wedding Photographer – Jason Comans!  Jason offers wedding photography packages and is one of my favourite Gold Coast Wedding Photographers – he is a creative and contemporary photographer without missing the necessary “traditional” photo’s!  Jason’s “coverage only” packages (you will receive your images on disc in hi and lo resolution, these are both printable and in email size) are as follows:

4 Hours coverage @ $1095; 6 Hours coverage @ $1595 and 8 Hours coverage @ $2095……. These wedding photography packages are ideal if you are not after an album, or choose to arrange one later………  Contact Jason as your Gold Coast Wedding Photographer on 0405 839 556, or visit his portfolio on “helpful links”